Did you know having a caring adult is a common theme across multiple youth development frameworks? In addition, positive youth development research often cites the importance of having a positive and caring adult in a young person's life.

So, it is no wonder programs such as 4-H highlight and reinforces the importance of adults creating positive relationships with young people in our communities. We recognize youth-adult partnerships and relationships as core elements of positive youth development. We strive to build opportunities for young people to have caring adults who show youth they are cared for, appreciated, supported, and believe in them.

But just what does this look like? What should you do to ensure you are a fully supportive, caring adult in a young person's life?

One of the leading youth development research organizations, The Search Institute, conducted more extensive research and developed the Developmental Relationships Framework to illustrate how adults can build and foster positive relationships with young people in our communities.

The Developmental Relationships Framework highlights five key components. The five key components are:

Adapted. Images from the Search Institute’s Developmental Relationships Framework.

Below are some examples of just how one can practice each of the key components and ensure one is intentionally building positive relationships with young people.

Express Care: Demonstrate you care for young people by

• Show young people they can depend on you. Following through and do what you say you will do. If you can not follow through on a promise made, then take the time to explain and apologize. If you have to tell a young person no, then explain the reason behind the no, do not just say no or because I said so. Help them learn to think critically about situations by taking time to explain it.
• Building trust. Talk positively about young people, do not talk negatively about them or share negative remarks about others. Build trust by not sharing information that is told in confidence unless it is information others need to know. If you are legally obligated to disclose information letting young people know can help them understand you are obligated and disclosing the information because you care about them and their safety.
• Making them feel valued, heard, and appreciated for who they are.
• Listen and seek to understand young people and their experiences. Check in with them to see how they are doing and demonstrate you care by listening and connecting them to resources when needed.
• Learn their name & pronouns: Take the time to greet them by name. Use the correct pronouns and their preferred names. Take time to demonstrate that you value their identity and respect who they are by greeting them by their name (using correct pronunciation) and preferred pronouns.
• Share stories and experiences that help you connect with young people (but make sure stories are appropriate and still maintain boundaries, be careful not to overshare).
• Be intentional about building relationships by doing team-building activities, incorporating social-emotional learning, taking time to socialize, and engaging in fun activities that are less serious and bring laughter, humor, and smiles.
• Have a positive attitude and avoid being negative and discouraging.
• Celebrate and encourage young people. Be their cheerleader and biggest advocate. Show them you appreciate them and value them. Let them know you believe in them and are there to help support them.
• Show up. Be there if you say you are going to be there. Be consistent.

Challenge Growth: Help them learn, grow, and become independent by

• Encouraging independence and autonomy. After all, 4-H is all about learning by doing! Help youth learn through experiential learning. Do not just provide them with answers. Help them learn to be critical thinkers and problem solvers.
• Teach them to have a growth mindset by teaching them they are capable of learning. Teach them to challenge themselves and remind them we are always learning, even us adults. Remember, it is okay to model to young people we, as adults, don't have all the answers and are also constantly learning.
• Be willing to learn alongside them. It is okay to pick up a new project you know nothing about and learn alongside the youth. For example, youth want to learn robotics, but you don't know anything about robotics, so what? Demonstrate and model your willingness to learn something new and that they should too! Besides, not being an expert in something forces you to depend on young people to help teach you and others. Model being resourceful and asking for help.
• Go outside your comfort zone and encourage them to do so as well. Show them that it is okay to be uncomfortable as we learn new things. Help them try new things and go to unfamiliar places. Mentor and support them as they do so but also make sure not to push them beyond where they feel unsafe and unsupported.
• Provide support and guidance – remember, young people are still learning. They need mentorship, role modeling, support, and guidance as they learn and develop new skills, learn new content, and try new things. Make sure to facilitate, guide and support them along the way. Help set them up for success. If they fail, be there to provide feedback, help them reflect and learn from the failure. Teach them failure is okay as long as we learn from it. After all, inventions are not developed on the first try, they are tested, adjusted, fixed, and retested continuously till there is a finished product. Learning is no different it is a continuous process. Encourage them to continue to learn and improve.
• Set high and realistic expectations. Let them know you believe in them, but also ensure youth have the resources to accomplish their goals, help them network, provide support and be their cheerleader. Have conversations with them about their goals, help them learn about SMART goals, and how to check their progress and adjust.
• Use an equity lens and support youth in culturally relevant ways. Biases can affect our ability to create safe environments where people gain a sense of belonging. Be willing to learn about bias and teach young people how to recognize their own biases and how they can harm how we interact with others. Make sure your bias are not leading to you interacting with young people in negative ways. When this happens, it can create negative outcomes for young people. Be willing to challenge negative and discriminatory comments, ask them to tell you more, and help them understand why specific remarks or statements are discriminatory and harmful.
• Help them develop critical thinking skills. Teach young people to expand their thinking, think about where they are getting their information, assess if it's factual or an opinion, and how to encourage discussions and be open to learning different perspectives. Help them learn to develop the skills to find credible sources and learn to educate themselves on issues.
• Help them have a hopeful purpose and think about their future. Ask them to think and imagine what they want in their lives and what it will take to get there. Ask youth: What do they care about? What issues are important to them? What do they enjoy doing? What is their spark? What interest them? What do they dislike? Help them explore things they care about and enjoy doing and expose them to the possibilities so they can find their passion.

Provide Support: Helping youth learn through mentorship, guidance, and support by

• Remembering youth are learning. Help provide guidance and support. Be careful not just to give the answers or do it for them. Instead, assess the support they need and provide them with just enough to help them learn and do it independently. You can always use the "I do, we do, you do" model. Show them how to do something, do it with them, then allow them to do it independently. Utilizing teens as teachers or peer-to-peer teaching models are great ways to encourage youth to teach others what they learned.
• Help them navigate situations and systems, especially for marginalized youth. They and their families are more likely not to understand how to navigate the system. For example, have a new family in your program or club? Do they know others? Do they understand the expectations? What do they need to do to participate? When to be there? Where to be? Do they comprehend the internal cultural expectations of the club/program? Make sure to take the time to help them learn and navigate things.
• Connect them to resources; not all youth and families have the same access to resources. Help youth thrive by connecting them to the resources they need to participate fully or succeed as an individual. This may also mean helping their families connect to resources so the young person is fully supported at home and in their community. I often say a "Young person cannot thrive if their family is failing". Be a resource and help them connect with people or organizations that can help them access the resources they need to be stable and supported. We know from Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that base resources are critical for learning and thriving.
• Help young people get out of their own way. Help them overcome negative self-talk or negative narratives about themselves or their ability to accomplish something. For example, a youth says "I am dumb" remind them that is a false statement and say something like, "No you just haven't learned it yet" Remind them we are always consistently learning, and we all have different sets of information we know, and the goal is continuous learning.
• Help them learn to push through complex tasks and hard situations. Help them learn socioemotional regulation when they get frustrated and help them find ways to overcome difficulties. When they encounter problems, talk them through them, ask questions that help them arrive at their own answer and help them think through options and scenarios, help them figure out the consequences, good or bad. What other options do they have? What are the different pathways to different solutions?
• Teach them how to navigate conflict. Role model positive conflict resolution. Remember how you navigate conflict in your program, club, or with other adults and youth is essential. Be a good role model in navigating conflict, and demonstrate how to work with others, even when you disagree in approaching difficult conversations or situations. Are you teaching youth the goal is resolution and moving forward? Please remember that when egos get in the way of helping one resolve conflict, one is setting a negative example. Reflect and analyze how you are modeling conflict resolution and demonstrating self-responsibility so young people can learn positive conflict resolution.
• Support equity and youth from backgrounds that experience discrimination and prejudice. Validate their experiences, show your willingness to understand and empathize, and do not minimize their experience or its impact on them. Stand up and show them that behavior is unacceptable, and your willingness to speak up and allow them to have a voice in the matter empower them to share what they feel comfortable sharing.

Share Power: Avoid being that adult that tells them what to do and be the one to include and value their abilities to contribute. Share power by

• Sharing responsibilities with young people. Asking them to help, do things alongside them, and make sure you have them assist in ways meaningful to them.
• Elevate their voice and choices. Be willing to listen and hear and understand what is important to them. What would they like to see, hear, and do? Then work to do the things they are interested in. If it is not possible, then take the time to explain why not. Make sure to take their ideas seriously and not be dismissive. Allow youth to provide feedback and make sure to incorporate their feedback. Give youth credit and help youth implement their ideas.
• Respect their perspectives. Practice listening. Seek to understand where a young person may come from, even if their view differs from yours. The world is quickly evolving, and our childhood experiences vary, so take the time to respect their thoughts and feelings and what it is like growing up in today's world. Ask questions, be curious, be respectful, and let young people know you are trying to understand, even if you disagree.
• Apologize – be willing to demonstrate we are all human and make mistakes. Be willing to admit when you made a mistake and apologize when you are wrong and demonstrate your ability to take self-responsibility for one's actions. Demonstrate commitment to change and do better. Young people learn from our mistakes when we can model conflict management and self-responsibility.
• Give young people choices whenever possible. For younger youth, giving multiple options such as A, B or C options may be more age-appropriate. For older youth, it may include openly discussing what they value, want to learn about, and want to do. Helping them brainstorm and narrow down choices. It is about facilitating and guiding them.
• Build Leadership and Democracy. Do not boss youth around. Instead, provide opportunities for youth to be engaged in ways that are meaningful to them. Allow them to lead while providing mentorship and guidance (after all, they are still learning). Do not set them up for failure by not providing the support they need to learn and grow. Ensure they are part of the decision-making process.

Expand Possibilities: Help young people broaden their world by  

• Expand their possibilities by exposing them to as many careers and opportunities as possible. Introduce young people to different career pathways, including those needing higher education degrees and vocational-technical careers. Invite people from various career backgrounds to speak at your club/program. Ensure the individuals you invite to reflect the different backgrounds of the youth you serve.
• Connect young people – help them build a network. Help youth develop their social capital. Help them network and make connections with others they can learn from and help them develop their network, and provide youth with the resources they need to pursue their goals and dreams.
• Ensure youth have the information they need. Ensure young people have the information and knowledge to pursue their dreams and goals. For example, do they understand what it will take to pursue their dreams and goals? Do they understand how to apply to college? Do they know how to pursue an apprenticeship? Connect to vocational-technical careers? Do they know how to obtain scholarships? Help young people connect to the resources and knowledge they need to pursue their goals successfully. Take field trips to help them explore possibilities.
• Provide culturally relevant and responsive programming. Ensure you incorporate diversity and ensure youth can see themselves in the programming. For example, are diverse youth reflected in the images posted, the books available, and the teaching lessons utilized? Promote different aspects of diversity, race, ethnicity, age, gender, gender identity, gender expression, culture, ability, etc. Teach youth to learn to function in an increasingly global and diverse world by helping youth learn about and respect other cultures.
• When you see a youth is interested in something, help them learn more and make connections. Recommend ways they can learn more and help them get the resources they need to ensure they can further engage in content areas they enjoy.

“You can't be what you can't see” is a saying that reminds me of the importance of expanding the world for youth. Youth can never have the opportunity to pursue a career that might be their spark/passion if they never become aware of its existence. So make sure youth have exposure to all the possibilities possible so they can pursue their spark/passion in life.

According to the Search Institute, 86% of adults surveyed reported being intentional about building relationships, yet only 46% of youth reported having a strong developmental relationship with an adult. So let's improve youth outcomes by closing the gap and intentionally implementing the best practices for building positive relationships with young people to help improve youth outcomes. 

Did you know? Having one caring adult is even more critical for LGBTQ+ youth. A national report shows having just one supportive and caring adult who is gender-affirming of a youths gender identity can reduce suicide attempts by 40%. (The Trevor Project, 2019)

For youth who endure trauma, building authentic caring relationships with adults can help youth overcome hardships and build resilience by being an extender of their support network.

In conclusion, be intentional about building a positive relationship with them and help them know they can come to you to talk and seek support.

Take the Relationship Check Quiz to assess how you are doing in being intentional about building positive relationships with young people.

Call to Action: What will you do to ensure all volunteers, staff, and others involved in youth programs or clubs understand the importance and best practices for demonstrating to youth adults care, value and support them fully and in authentic ways?

References

Search Institute. (2023). Developmental Relationships Help Youth Thrive. Obtained from https://info.searchinstitute.org/developmental-relationships-help-young-people-thrive

The Trevor Project. (June 2019). The Trevor Project Research Brief: Accepting Adults Reduce Suicide Attempts Among LGBTQ+ Youth. Obtained from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Trevor-Project-Accepting-Adult-Research-Brief_June-2019.pdf