What's the dilemma?  My kids tell me I have to dress up for Halloween this year, and they won't accept yet another year of me going as a “Farm Advisor” or “a dad.” 

My ongoing goal at Halloween has been to have the absolute minimal costume that will allow me to pass muster with the girls, but save what little adult dignity I may have. Each year this gets harder.

I think I've decided on being a mad scientist this Halloween.  I already have a lab coat and some safety goggles.  (Even mad scientists care about eye protection.) A mad scientist needs a project to work on.  Since a nuclear-powered cannon that shoots glowing, radioactive pumpkin pie filling wouldn't do much to help my daughters' chances of scoring a giant cache of candy, I thought I'd come up with some clever alternative to carving pumpkins.  After all, nobody likes cleaning up the 20 pounds of pumpkin guts contained within a 10 pound pumpkin. Especially dads who inevitably end up with the job.

The traditional place to start would be vegetables. In the 19^th Century,  the Scots and Irish used root vegetables common to them.  Potatoes (until the Great Potato Famine), rutabagas, and turnips were often carved with scary faces.  Going “old school” will probably end up being the least messy alternative, but to be honest, I don't think you will inspire kids with a rutabaga. Especially since they can't easily be made to glow ominously.

One of the better ideas I found was using watermelons instead of pumpkins. This allows you to make green goblins and other creatures.  The family can eat the easily carved pink flesh scooped out of the melon which is a nice bonus.  Other melons can be carved for even more bizarre creations.  I can't stand to eat them, but cantaloupes look like they could be made into some nightmarish monsters.

Plants in the cucumber family like melons and squashes (and pumpkins) generally work well since they have a tough skin and if even their core is not hollow, it is usually soft enough to scoop out.  Unusual shaped squashes can lead to inspired designs. A butternut squash turned upside-down looks remarkably skull-like, even if it would be a bit of a chore to hollow. Thankfully there's paint!

If your jack-o-lanterns look like they need some little friends, it's possible to carve large bell peppers into heads, but you won't be able to light it with a candle without it wilting quickly. This leads me to an important observation about lighting jack-o-lanterns.

Pumpkins and winter squash have great flexibility with means to light them. Small tea candles are fine for a flame-based light system, but more creative produce options like melons won't do so well with candles.

If you're clever you can use LED lights to light a jack-o-lantern, but I think glow sticks are the best way to illuminate all your Halloween carving projects.  The same large glow sticks you give your kids to wear trick-or-treating are perfect for larger fruit like pumpkins and watermelons. For small items like muskmelons or peppers, use those small bracelet types.  You can often find a ten-pack of these inexpensively.

Glow sticks are nice because they stay cool, give you a range of creative colors, don't burn you as you try to set them inside, and won't start fires. With all the ninjas, vampires, ghouls, and zombies out on Halloween, the last thing you need to worry about is open flame.

Instead, be on the lookout for a madman in a lab coat handing out Atomic Fireballs to unsuspecting children.